Honesty Time

Keeping it real since 2013

Letter to My Spam Folder

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I wrote this a really long time ago. I’ve even shared it with some people before. I wrote it before this blog was even an idea, never mind a reality. I had no idea what to do with it, so I just saved it to my email. I have to be honest with you guys…I did not prepare a blog for this week. I was searching around for some ideas today, when I came across this again. And I actually laughed out loud at something that I wrote, which is rare. So I thought that maybe it was time to share.

So what is this? Basically, I received this totally ridiculous email in my Spam folder a while back, and I decided to “respond” to it. No, I didn’t actually reply to the email; I’m not stupid. It’s clearly a scam, and obviously you should not answer something like this. But I did write what I think is the perfect response, equally ridiculous as (if not more than) the original email.

Original Email

From: “Olga”

Subject: I will wait for the answer

You have drawn my attention to a site of acquaintances. I hope, as I shall like you. How I to you in a photo? The truth – pretty? 🙂 But in a life I more nice!!!

I like to go in for sports, read books, to listen to music. I love winter and summer. I do not love spring and slush. And as I cheerful, kind, sociable and fluffy!

If I have interested you, with pleasure I shall tell about myself more in the following letter.

I wait for the answer on [email]

My Response

Dear Olga,

Upon first reading your email, I was ecstatic that you contacted me. Finally, all of those acquaintances of mine have introduced me to a person I can really connect with; someone who enjoys all of the same activities as me — sports, reading, and listening to music. Who else in the world can say that they like to partake in the same things? No one I have ever known, that’s for sure.

Your affinity for both winter and summer shows a diverse set of interests. I need to know that my friends will be just as willing to shovel my driveway for free during a blizzard as they are to fan me with palm fronds and feed me Italian ices on a 90 degree day. Who needs the spring or that horrible other fourth season “slush”? Seriously, slush is the worst.

I have no doubt that you are very pretty, even more so in real life (although I did not actually receive your picture…you must have forgotten to attach it to your email. LOL). However, your physical appearance is not as important to me as those characteristics you described. I could use someone who is cheerful, kind, and sociable to balance out my melancholy ways; someone who can fill the deep black void of loneliness in my soul.

It was when you described yourself as “fluffy” that gave me pause. What exactly do you mean by that? Are you using it in homage to the comedian Gabriel Iglesias, describing himself not as fat, but as fluffy? That’s cool. I don’t mind if you are overweight, and Mr. Iglesias is pretty funny. However, I fear that when you say fluffy, you mean something else. Like…maybe you are not a person, the lovely Olga I imagined. Perhaps you are really a personified bunny, a creature I am much more likely to describe as “fluffy.” If this is the case, please let me know. Is this a desperate plea for me to save you from the clutches of the mad scientist who injected you with the chemicals that have made you this way? Or are you trying to tell me that my dream that Homeward Bound is a documentary is actually true?

Think about it. All your attributes totally point toward you being a bunny. Cheerful (who can be sad when looking at a bunny?), kind (bunnies do no harm), sociable (they don’t appear to hate other bunnies, anyway), fluffy (see above), pretty (bunnies = adorbs), hatred of spring and slush (bunny hunting seasons, as everyone knows), your love of sports (hopping), reading (“Peter Rabbit”) and listening to music (the cautionary tale, “Little Bunny FooFoo,” I’d imagine), the lack of typing ability (bunnies ain’t got opposable thumbs, y’all). It all makes sense.

So are you chubby with a sense of humor? Or are you a bunny that’s so fluffy I could die?

I look forward to hearing more about you in your following email.

Sincerely,

Me

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Author: Lori

Lori is a writer living and working in New Jersey. Her greatest literary influences are Dr. Seuss, JK Rowling, and Harriet the Spy.

One thought on “Letter to My Spam Folder

  1. Love this. Is it bad that I’ve gotten at least three emails very similar to this one? Worse, they don’t go to my spam folder. They come to my regular inbox, so I get all excited that I’ve received some communication from the outside world. Wrong.
    Also… fluffy…person… I can only think of Furries right now and I am scared.

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