The Exciting Announcement
I started the project of creating the EncycBROpedia in June. Today, I finished it. Well, not “finished,” exactly. I suppose it technically is always a work in progress. But I finally filled in all of the entries that have been sitting in there, blank, for 8 months. So everyone should check it out and learn more about who we are and our crazy language.
The Ridiculous Story
Now, to accompany the EncycBROpedia and entice you to read it, I’m going to share a story that I wrote for Rachel’s birthday back in 2011. I linked throughout it to corresponding definitions in the EncycBROpedia, although this story doesn’t even begin to cover most of it. This story is chock full of our references and inside jokes and crazy sense of humor. It’s long. And most people won’t understand it. Keep in mind that I wrote this for my best friend as a silly birthday gift. I am full aware that it is completely bonkers. But I like to think it’s worth a read. Also, there’s a song involved. And pictures!
The Magical Adventures of Rack in The Forest-By Lori Reiter
Prologue-“The Fedora Princess of Drew”
(To be sung to the tune of the theme song from “The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air”)
Now this is a story all about how
Rack’s life got flipped, turned upside down
And I’d liked to take a minute, just sit right there
And tell you how she became the princess of a place called Drew…air?
In central Jersey born and raised
At the barn is where she spent most of her days
Ridin’ some horses and acting all cool,
Until she went on an adventure and had a kitchen stadium duel
One day a few guys who were up to no good
Started making trouble in the Drew woods
She fought the evil chipotle-using Bobby Flay
She kicked his ass and saved the day
Then she won the heart of Prince of Fedoras, Jason Mraz
And everybody celebrated with a trip to Shanghai Jazz
Bobby Flay was defeated, no more need to fear
Now that Rack, the new Fedora Princess was here
If anything I can say this story is rare
But it’s just the beginning so continue with care
Ruling over Drew was this girl’s fate
And after her and Jason’s wedding date,
She looked at her kingdom and she finally knew
That it was time sit on her throne as the Princess of Drew.
Chapter One-The Visitor
There was once a girl named Rachel “Rack” Denning, a seemingly ordinary citizen of the wooded kingdom known as Drew, or “The Forest.” Like all citizens of Drew, Rack spent her days sword fighting and her nights drinking alcohol. No one, least of all Rack, thought that she could be the one who would be chosen to save all of the people of Drew.
One Thursday night, after Rack and a few of her closest friends were doing peppermint patty shots, Rack was in her room getting ready for bed. Suddenly, a figure appeared in her bathroom mirror.
“T.I.?! Is that you?” Rack exclaimed. She was very intoxicated at this point, so naturally she just assumed that she was hallucinating.
“Yes, young Rackel, it is I, recording artist and sometimes felon, T.I.,” he responded. “This is no hallucination. I have come to you with a message. There has been a prophecy.”
“A prophecy! How interesting. Please, T.I., tell me more.”
Chapter Two-The Evil Reign of Bobby Flay
“Before I can get into the details, we have to look into the past, at a world that existed before you were born. You see, Drew was not always the medieval paradise that it is today. In fact, 22 years ago it was ruled by an evil dictator by the name of Bobby Flay.”
Rack gasped. “Yes, I have heard of this Bobby Flay. Under his reign, Drew was a land filled with chipotle-flavored devastation.”
“Exactly. And, I am sad to say, he has returned.”
“Returned? How could he have returned? I thought he was being held in the DoYo, Drew’s maximum security prison.”
“You are correct, Rack,” T.I. replied. “Bobby Flay was being held in this prison, where my very dear friend T-Bone was the head guard. But then, a few months ago, Bobby Flay’s right-hand man, G. Love, broke into the prison.”
“I thought G. Love was Prince Jason Mraz’s best friend?”
“That’s what we all thought, as well. He even wears a Royal Fedora. Alas, he fooled us all. He has been working for Bobby Flay all along. G. Love, along with his followers, known as The Special Sauce, caused a prison riot. In the process, they killed T-Bone and Bobby Flay escaped.”
“T-Bone is dead? I heard he had a fabulous head of gray hair.”
“He really did,” T.I. said, sadly.
“Rumor has it,” he continued, “that Bobby Flay is planning on overthrowing the true prince of The Forest, Jason Mraz.”
“Bobby Flay thinks he can defeat the Prince of Fedoras? Never!”
“But he can defeat him, Rack, which is where you and the prophecy come in.”
Chapter 3-The Prophecy
“Have you ever heard of the Brothers Hanson?”
Rack shook her head no.
“The Brothers Hanson are the most powerful prophets in Drew,” T.I. explained. “While they spend most of their time playing Magic the Gathering with their followers in the village of Riker, they sometimes have these powerful visions. No one knows why the visions come to them, but I think it is their beautiful golden locks and melodious singing voices. One day, not too long ago, Taylor Hanson, better known as “the cute one,” had a vision of a young girl, on her 22nd birthday, meeting the evil Bobby Flay and defeating him. Rack, I have spent months popping up in girls’ bathroom mirrors looking for the one, and I have finally found you.”
“Me?! Why me?”
“You’ve been to space camp!” T.I. responded. “You are the chosen one. You only have one week until your birthday, you must leave first thing in the morning.”
“Leave? But where must I go?”
“To find the Brothers Hanson, of course. They can tell you more.”
“Well, can I bring some people along to help?” Rack asked.
“You can have whatever you like,” T.I. responded, fading away in the mirror.
“Wait, when will I see you again?”
“My work here is done,” he said, faintly. “I have found you, which fulfilled my destiny. It is now time for you to fulfill yours.”
And with that, Rack was alone in her bathroom, drunk, confused, and scared.
Chapter 4-The Order of the Fedora
Rack woke up the next morning, hung over and with the vague idea that she was supposed to do something today. Suddenly, she remembered. Did I really see T.I. in my bathroom mirror last night? Rack thought.
Just in case she hadn’t hallucinated the whole thing, Rack called up the most apt people she could think of to accompany her on this epic adventure and asked them to meet her at what she decided would be their secret location, Wawa.
“So, what you’re saying is, you want us to help you defeat the most evil dictator who has ever lived?” asked Shane West.
“We’re in,” said Portman and Fulton, bumping fists. They called themselves “The Bash Brothers.”
“What about you guys?” Rack asked.
“Come on, Rack. Of course I’m in. What’s my name?” asked Joey Parker.
“Um, Joey Parker?”
They all stared at him blankly. Rack turned to Shane and Mandy. “What about you guys?”
“Rack, there’s a song that’s inside of my soul. It’s the one that I try to write over and over again. I’m awake in the infinite cold, but you sing to me over and over again—”
“I….sing to you?” Rack interrupted.
Mandy ignored her. “So, I lay my head back down, and I lift my hands and pray. And I know now, you’re our only hope.”
“Um, so you’re in, then?”
“Sure,” he replied, “Why not?”
“Okay, well, I decided to call us the Order of the Fedora, in honor of Prince Jason,” Rack said. “Let’s do this thing, bros.”
Chapter 5-The Brothers Lawrence
The Order returned to the Forest, then began their trek to Riker to visit the Brothers Hanson. When they got there, they were in for a big surprise.
Rack was greeted by a very good looking gentleman who introduced himself as Matt.
“Matt?” Rack said. “I thought the Hansons were named Isaac, Taylor, and Zac? And I thought they had luscious blonde locks?”
“Sadly, the Brothers Hanson have perished at the hand of G. Love. We are the Brothers Lawrence, and we are their replacement. Apparently, only three talented brothers can ever take the position of Drew prophets. After us, they’ll probably hire the Brothers Jonas.”
“Anywho,” continued Matt Lawrence, “I promise, however, that we are just as capable with helping you as the brothers Hanson were.”
“Okay, well, I’m Rack, and these are my friends.”
“Hello. These are my brothers Joey and Andy,” Matt replied.
“My name is Joey Parker!” said Joey Parker. Everyone ignored him.
“How can we help you?” asked Matt Lawrence.
“Well, T.I. came to me and told me about a prophecy that says I am to fight Bobby Flay and his men. He said I should come to the Hansons to learn more,” she explained.
“Yes, well. Okay. Would anyone like a bagel bite?” Matt asked. The Bash Brothers threw Joey Parker to the floor to get to the bagel bites.
“Lawrence Brothers, can you help us?” Shane West asked.
“Um, sort of. All we can say is this, follow the path to the Commons. There will be obstacles along the way. But once you are there, you will find what you are looking for.”
“That’s it?” Rack said.
“Yes. Now get out.”
The Order was rushed, rather forcefully, out of Riker, Portman and Fulton grabbing as many bagel bites as they could.
“Well, they seemed like they had no idea what they were talking about,” Rack said.
“So what now?’
“I guess we go to the Commons.”
Chapter 6-The Battle of Welch-Holloway
En route to the Commons, the Order ran into an obstacle, as the Lawrences predicted. It was just one obstacle, but quite a large one.
While resting between Riker and the Commons in the land known as Welch-Holloway, Rack and friends encountered none other than G. Love himself, along with many members of The Special Sauce.
“Your adventure ends here, Rack!” G. Love said. “You will go no further!”
“My God, G. Love, would you just get out of Jersey already?” Rack countered.
“No! We will now have a dance-off….to the death!”
Next thing Rack knew, G. Love and the Special Sauce and The Order of the Fedora were dancing for their lives. While Rack was Soulja Boy-ing at a member of The Special Sauce, someone to her left fell to the ground. She turned and saw Joey Parker, clearly about to die. She ran to him.
“Joey Parker?” Rack said, holding him in her arms. “I thought you were a professional dancer?!”
“It…was…all…a…lie,” he whispered.
“No!” Rack yelled, shaking him. “Stay with me! What’s your name? I said, what’s your name?!”
“Joey Park….” And he was gone.
“NOOOOOOOOOO!” Rack yelled as G. Love laughed from the Welch-Holloway roof. Rack glared at him, yelled “RACK ATTACK!!” and charged back into the battle, doing the electric slide like she never had before.
The death of Joey Parker caused the Order to dance even harder. Members of the Special Sauce fell all over the place. Rack watched as Dean Portman did the Macarena at the last member of the Special Sauce until the other man fell defeated, then Portman yelled “You just got served, sucka!” and chest bumped Fulton.
Suddenly, Shane West yelled, “MAAANDYYY MOOOOORREEE!” The others ran over just in time to hear Mandy Moore say “Just remember that I’m craving for you. I’m already missing you like candy” as she slipped into death.
Rack looked up as G. Love hopped on his flying horse Pegasus and flew off toward the Commons.
The four remaining members of the Order looked at the devastation around them. Even though they had lost two important members of their team, they had won this round. It was time to move on.
Chapter 7-Kitchen Stadium
Rack, Shane West, Dean Portman, and Fulton Reed stumbled into The Commons, with only the final battle against Bobby Flay standing in between them and victory.
They walked inside as lights began flashing and a man with glasses jumped out from behind a table.
“Welcome to Kitchen Stadium. I’m Alton Brown. Today, you will be challenging Bobby Flay. Let’s go to the Chairman.”
Rack looked up as a Japanese (maybe) man flew into the room on a jetpack. He landed in front of her, his eyes bulging out of his head.
“Are you ready for the final battle?” he asked.
“Uh, okay,” Rack responded.
“Then let the battle begin!” the Chairman said.
Rack followed the Chairman as Bobby Flay appeared. The 3 of them stood in front of a table.
The Chairman said, “But there is one more ingredient to this battle…the secret ingredient.”
“The secret ingredient is….BRUUUUNCHHHHH!”
“Did he just say brunch?” Rack heard Fulton whisper to Portman. He mostly certainly had.
“So now, Drew, with an open heart and an empty stomach, I say unto you in the words of my uncle: ‘Allez cuisine!’”
With that, Bobby Flay began grabbing tater tots, watery eggs, ass bagels, and chicken nuggets and started cooking. Rack got a slower start, but was soon going for it. She was happy to see that Shane West was allowed to be her sous chef, while G. Love was Bobby Flay’s.
As they were cooking, Alton Brown explained the rules, but no one pays attention to that part. Then some useless Canadian guy introduced the judges, who were Miley Cyrus, Bradley from S Club 7, and Joseph Gordon Levitt. You know, all of the experts on gourmet cuisine.
The battle was long (well, an hour long) and rough. There were times when Rack did not think she would make it, but she did. Rack and Shane West made 5 of the best dishes ever to be created from rubbery sausage, muffins of unidentified flavors, and old peas. And then they went to the judges.
After a long period of judgment, a verdict was made. Bobby Flay and Rack stood across from one another. For the first time, he looked directly into her eyes. In the eyes of Bobby Flay, Rack saw a soulless demon. The Chairman took his place.
“After an exciting battle, the judges have chosen a winner. Congratulations……Chef Rack.”
Shane and the Bash Brothers stormed the stadium, cheering. Bobby Flay and G. Love were tied down and brought to the back of the Commons, where they were given the worst punishment anyone could possibly imagine: being force-fed overcooked pasta and leftover taco meat by Guy Fieri.
Chapter 8-A Happy Ending
So Rack and the Order defeated the evil Bobby Flay. They lost many good men along the way, but everything turned out well in the end, especially when Prince Jason Mraz thanked Rack himself.
“Rack, I cannot thank you enough for saving The Forest from the evil Bobby Flay. You are a true hero,” the Prince said. “And quite beautiful, I might add.”
To Rack’s shock, the prince got down on one knee, presented the most beautiful Silly Band Rack had ever seen, and said, “My dear Rack, would you do me the honor of becoming my Princess?”
“But…didn’t you just get married to someone else?” Rack inquired, not really caring.
“Oh yes, hold on.” Jason stood up, pulled out a cell phone, called his wife and said to her, “Listen, baby, I’m sorry. Just wanna tell you don’t worry. I will be late, don’t stay up and wait for me. You’re dropping out; my battery is low. Just so you know, we’re going to a place nearby, gotta go.” He hung up and looked at Rack. She didn’t even care that he hadn’t even quoted his own song, she was in love.
“Of course I will marry you, Jason!”
So that is the story of how a normal girl became both the savior and the princess of Drew, and got a wicked sweet fedora crown out of the deal.
If you actually read all of this, than I can only assume that you are just as insane as the person who wrote this.