Honesty Time

Keeping it real since 2013

Mildly Philosophical Ruminations from an Incredibly Exhausted Person

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Bear with me, because I am tired, and sometimes when I get really tired, shit gets real. Also, sorry I just said “shit.” Twice.

On Monday, I was talking to my friend about how fast my day was flying by. Nothing different than normal was happening, I was just busy and focused on what I was doing. And I was excited that my day went by quickly, and she was bummed because hers didn’t. And today we were talking about what a long week it was, implying that the fact that it felt like a long week meant that it wasn’t a good one.

And then I had an epiphany of sorts – the fact that the mark of a good day for us is one that goes by fast…is kind of upsetting. It’s not a case of “time flies when you’re having fun.” It’s…“I don’t want to be where I am so I can’t wait to get to the next place.” And that just doesn’t sit right with me.

I feel about most days of work like I did about school when I was younger. I don’t mind what I’m doing, but I’m also happy when it’s over at the end of the day. I just find myself complaining about being in one place, hoping to be in another. And then I get to that other place…and nothing is actually better there.

I liked school. I like working. I like learning. I like writing. I like being busy and being engaged in what I’m doing. And I’m lucky enough that I have a job that lets me do all of those things. But I still get excited for the clock to strike 4 and I get to go home to…do nothing, really.

I’m not articulating this correctly. I don’t not like what I do. That’s not what I’m trying to say. I’m trying to figure out why it is that everyone I know just seems to be waiting for something better to come along, myself included. We are just never satisfied with what we have, even if intellectually we know it’s a good thing.

It’s like that old MTV dating show Next. Oh, yes, this is about to happen. I always got frustrated with those people on the show who had a good date with someone, but then said “next” to them anyway, just because someone better might be still on the bus. I just don’t want to keeping “nexting” every day, hoping for something better that may or may not come. (Now is not the time and place to talk about those jerks who would “next” someone as soon as they got off the bus…I’m still developing this analogy.)

I have to reel this in before this devolves into a post solely on bad MTV dating shows that aren’t even on TV anymore (OMG, do you guys remember that show Date My Mom?)

I know it’s normal to have some bad days where you just don’t want to be at work or doing whatever it is that you have to do. But the mark of every single day should not be: good = fast; bad = slow.

I don’t want my life to speed by me. I don’t want to constantly be waiting for the next good thing to happen while I’m just wishing that what’s happening right now is over. I don’t want the majority of my conversations with my friends to be about how bored we are and how unhappy we are about this or that. I hate that our first reaction to seeing someone we know getting married on Facebook isn’t to be happy for them, but to judge their dress and their choices, etc. I don’t want to be that person. I’m not a particularly optimistic person by nature, but that doesn’t mean I have to be so negative, does it? I always say that I hate complainers…but I find myself turning into one. I mean, look at me right now, complaining about how much I’m complaining.

Clichés be damned; I want to be the type of person that appreciates the present. I don’t want to do things just for the pictures that I’ll get out of it that I can post online so people will like them on Facebook or whatever. I want to be able to enjoy things in the moment, and not fixate on how everything can be better. I want to be happy for people when good things happen, and I don’t want my first reaction to be to tear them down, even if they won’t hear me doing it.

How the hell is the future supposed to be any better than the now if you aren’t actually doing anything to improve it? When all you do is complain instead of appreciating that, in the scheme of things, our lives are pretty damn wonderful.

Was this all nonsense? Probably.

Am I high right now? I don’t think so.

Am I incredibly tired and having a really weird week? Maybe.

Do I still think this is something worth remembering and thinking about? I do.

Now listen to this song because Max Bemis is way more prolific than I could ever hope to be. “Your life is always the post of something else/Where’s the present in the way that you present yourself?”

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Author: Lori

Lori is a writer living and working in New Jersey. Her greatest literary influences are Dr. Seuss, JK Rowling, and Harriet the Spy.

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